food · random stuff · Teeth · whatever · writing

Toothless Wonder

In my last post, I talked about the horrible tooth infection that was causing me so much pain, and the dentist that didn’t help me at all. (Yes, I realize that I posted that WAAAAY back at the beginning of February. What can I say–I’m a slacker.) Well, later that month, I had a seizure while standing in front of a Dollar Tree store waiting for my Uber to arrive, and ended up in the ER. Four stitches in my right eyebrow, a slight concussion, and as the topper, the impact with the sidewalk knocked that bridge so loose that I’ve had to have it removed. After much searching, I was given an appointment at the OHSU Dental School, and had high hopes of getting things fixed there, but it was not to be. My insurance wouldn’t cooperate with all of the other things that needed to be done, and I was getting desperate. So, I returned to the same dental office I’d been to before, fearful of running into Dr. Idiot again. My luck had changed! He is no longer there, and the staff I’ve dealt with since is truly FABULOUS– and, I will say, all quite good-looking, as well.

Decisions had to be made about how to fix things, and I chose to have them remove the few upper teeth I had left, and make an upper denture– all things that my insurance will pay for. This involved quite a bit more pain, since that tooth that had been infected was a bitch to get pulled. I swear, the root on that thing went all the way up my head and wrapped around a time or two. After the doctor finished with that side of my mouth, I went home and was ready to curl up and die for a few days. And here is why I like these guys so much: because we’d had so much trouble & pain with the left side of my mouth, they gave me the option to use laughing gas for the right side, which is apparently not done very much anymore. I jumped at the chance, and ended up sleeping through most of the extractions. While there was still some residual pain, it was much less, because the spot where those shots were given hurt! Two weeks ago I had my first impressions made for the denture, and later this week, I go back for a second one. I was hoping to have teeth in time for Halloween, but Mr Ji (the denture wizard) says that the first or second week of November is more likely. So at least I’ll be able to actually eat Thanksgiving dinner, and let me tell you, I will be incredibly thankful for that! I am so sick of soft foods and gumming foods into submission that I could cry. My stomach is calling out for a plate of crunchy tacos with green chile and lots of cheese, or a bunch of spiral-sliced with a side of green beans. Maybe a big thick steak, nice and rare, dipped in A-1. Okay, I have to stop now, I’m starting to drool.  Soup just isn’t a substitute for any of this stuff. My toothless days cannot end too soon!

blogging · lists · random stuff · writing

List It Or Lose It

i-love-lists

I like making lists, but if you’ve read many of these posts, you’ve probably noticed that. Lists keep me sane, or at close to it as I come. I make lists of things I need to do, things I want to do, things to buy, things to sell, and all sorts of other lists. I have entire journals filled of lists: what I’d like my dream home to look like, what I’d like my dream man to be like (that’s actually the most difficult list), lists of items I’d have in my dream wardrobe, the songs I’d record if I made a cover album, favorite books & movies & songs, things I love, things I hate, things I cannot live without, and things I’d be happy to never see again. Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep and my brain just won’t shut up, I lie in the dark and give myself a topic to make a list. For example, bands from the 1970’s, going from A to Z, or a list of 25 female characters I really disliked. I usually go in alphabetical order on these lists at night, simply because it helps me keep things in order, and I seldom get all the way to Z before falling asleep.This is how obsessive I get about lists: when I was taking the medication Topamax, my neurologist would give me a quiz each visit to test how it was affecting my verbal skills. He’d give me a letter, and in 60 seconds I had to come up with as many words (no proper nouns, nothing that I’d just said with a modifier –no green then greener) beginning with that letter as I could. I usually did very well on this test, not as well as I thought I should, but I stayed in the top percentile until I’d been on Topamax for several years, and then I started having real trouble finding words. But the lists–after each visit, I would spend my ride home on the bus making a list of words; I’d have always asked the doctor for the list he wrote down as I said them during the test, and then I went from there, until I’d have pages of my journal or dayplanner filled with words. It annoyed me so that I only got a minute to do the first list, and I knew I could do better. When I told my doctor about this, he asked me two questions: “does it make you feel better?” and “how many words do you come up with?” Since I was worried he’d tell me this was a sign I was crazy, I was happy to tell him that yes, it did, and for one letter I came up with nearly 250 words before the bus got to my stop.

My lists are almost always on paper; I’ve tried the list-making apps on my phone and tablet, and it just isn’t the same. I use one occasionally for my grocery list, because it’s easier, and I don’t lose it. But for my other lists, those that are for my soul, I need the feel of a pen on paper, or hands on a keyboard. I think this is one of the reasons I like sites like Pinterest so much–it’s essentially a bunch of lists of stuff people like! I can spend hours just reorganizing my own pins, just getting lost in nothing… Wow.

So. There’s a site called listography.com and I love it. Reading other people’s lists is fun, and I just signed up, so now I’ll be posting my own! https://listography.com/readbetweenthewhines?m=6404158689 That’s me. And I have a list posted, so go and read!

keep-calm-and-read-my-blog-38

Major Depression · Mental Health Issues · writing

Dejection

I know that nearly everyone on the internet has written something about death and depression in the last week, and so I hesitated to write this. After all, I don’t want to be like everyone else, now do I? But frankly, the issues I’m writing about here have been on my mind for much longer than a week or two, and Robin Williams’ death only served to bring some of them to public attention again. I haven’t posted since the end of July, and these mental health issues are why.
I don’t feel much these days and it is causing me to do some big thinking. I’ve no problem with anger; getting angry is easy. But everything else is nearly impossible. I know what started this, but how to fix it is a whole other kettle of fish. I don’t trust emotions much any more, especially since I am not feeling that many of them, and when I do, they are bad. I’ve always let my heart, or my “gut” guide me, and for the most part, it’s gotten me in trouble. It started with Steven, and all the crap he put me through, and then got worse after Michele died. Her death, and especially her memorial service were very difficult for me; even though we knew she wasn’t going to make it. But that service just about killed me. I physically shut down, was ill for nearly days. I ended up spending most of the time I was in my home town in bed, rather than seeing people, which I regret. Losing her, my best friend for over 30 years, was devastating. I miss her every day. 
 I’m spending too much time wanting to sleep, hide in my room, or just vanish into my mind these days, and it worries me. They say if you’re worried about the state of your mental health, then there’s nothing to worry about, but I am not sure that’s true. I can worry about having a panic attack and still have one (or two or three); I can be nervous that I’ll not make it through the week without a slightly manic episode (I’ve not been diagnosed, but I likely have low-grade bipolar disorder 2) and still have one and end up spending money that I don’t have, or something else I shouldn’t do. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder –also known as Clinical Depression– along with a type of seasonal affective disorder. I’m just a bunch of fun. I fight against demons of health, physical and mental, every day, and it’s getting really old. There are days I just feel like giving in, finding a nice looney bin and checking myself in. While I was watching television the other night, I was almost jealous of the guy in the mental health treatment center; he looked so content. Part of me just wants to climb inside my mind and hide forever. Of course, that is kind of what I am doing these days, isn’t it? I just hide in books, and movies, and internet crap. 
I am scared of so much–things I was never afraid of before. Anxious and worried so much of the time. I want to stay in bed. When I think about going out, I start getting nervous, and if I think about it too long, the panic attack starts. My heart starts racing, I start tracing, I feel faint, can’t breathe, and my fingers get tingly. Then all I can do is close my eyes, take deep breaths, and hide somewhere private until it passes. It’s easier to stay in my room. 
Reading Coleridge doesn’t help, though…
 
 
 
 
Bones · Uncategorized · writing

Getting To Know Me…

Recently I came across this list of questions on a blog, and decided to post them, and their answers, simply because I like talking about myself, and can never do it enough!

Getting to know me:

  1.  What time did you get up this morning?  I woke up around 7, the first time, and went back to sleep, finally getting out of bed just before 10.
  2.  How do you like your steak? Rare, with A-1!
  3.  What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Magic Mike!
  4.  What is your favorite TV show? Tie between True Blood, Sherlock & Bones. Although I’ve not watched Bones at all this season…
  5.  If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I’d love to live on a Coast, near the ocean. Always been my dream. Or back in New Mexico.
  6.  What did you have for breakfast? Today was a strange day: I had tuna & Triscuits for breakfast, and my smoothie for lunch.
  7. What is your favorite cuisine? Toss up between Chinese/Asian and Italian, depending on my mood.
  8.  What foods do you dislike?  “Goopy” foods, like potato salad, coleslaw- almost anything mayonnaise based. My mother apparently makes great potato salad, and always asks if I want some. 46 years, and I’ve always said “EWW, gross, no!!” You think she’d stop asking.
  9. Favorite Place to Eat? Olive Garden, or the Tik Tok Diner.
  10.  Favorite dressing? real Cesar dressing.
  11.  What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don’t drive anymore: my last car was a Honda Accord. My dream car would either be something retro, like a ’57 Chevy, or something small & green, like a mini Cooper or a Bug. Painted a fabulous color, of course!
  12. What are your favorite clothes?  Comfort is my watch word–I love yoga pants, leggings, tee shirts, big sweaters, cardigans and fuzzy socks.
  13.  Where would you visit if you had the chance? The Smithsonian & The Library of Congress. London and Paris. EVERYWHERE!
  14.  Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Full…
  15.  Where would you want to retire?  The beach…
  16. Favorite time of day? I rock 11:45 a.m. like nobody’s business!
  17. Where were you born? Custer, South Dakota. My dad always tells me I was the cutest baby in the hospital. Then someone points out that I was the only baby in the hospital…
  18.  What is your favorite sport to watch?  Um…men’s figure skating.
  19.  Bird watcher? Not really, although I’d love to see the California Condors in the wild.
  20.  Are you a morning person or a night person? Neither one.
  21.  Do you have any pets? MissGoogle, my adorable kitty.
  22.  Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? Cleaned my room…
  23. What did you want to be when you were little?  Cher, or a teacher. I got to be a teacher. Maybe someday I’ll be Cher.
  24.  What is your best childhood memory?  In the back seat of our station wagon at night, Jolene asleep beside me, Mom at the wheel, watching the stars out the window as we drove down the highway, the radio playing softly, as we drove to South Dakota for our summer vacation. I always felt so safe and happy then.
  25.  Are you a cat or dog person? Cat.
  26.  Are you married? Not anymore.
  27.  Always wear your seat belt? Yep. Saved my life once.
  28.  Been in a car accident? A few, caused by my epilepsy. This is why I don’t drive anymore.
  29.  Any pet peeves?  I am so easily irritated, it isn’t even funny…. But big ones are spitting (gross);  people who misuse “you’re” & “your” “their” & “they’re”; and leaf blowers.
  30.  Favorite Pizza Toppings? Bacon.
  31.  Favorite Flower? Tulips and roses
  32. Favorite Ice cream? Almost anything…all ice cream is good! Strawberry cheesecake, pb fudge, and pralines & cream!
  33. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jack In the Box, or Burgerville, if I’m feeling flush!
  34.  Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Assuming I don’t have to pay the bill, Powell’s Books, or maybe Macy’s.
  35.  Broccoli? Roasted broccoli with garlic salt is one of my favorite things!
  36.  What was your favorite vacation? Visiting Michele in Toronto. Also my saddest…
  37.  Last person you went out to dinner with? Charlie, my ex-husband & friend.
  38.  What are you listening to right now?  The Color Purple Soundtrack
  39.  What is your favorite color? purple & blue.
  40.  How many tattoos do you have? None, yet.
  41. Coffee Drinker?  Oh, yes. I tried to give it up, but I’m weak…
  42. What is your job title?  Early Childhood Educator; reader; blogger; sister; aunt; daughter; friend; Queen of Procrastination.
  43.  What do you do all day?  Read, surf the web, hang out with my family, play with MissGoogle, watch tv, attempt to better myself, read some more. Listen to music. Eat.  
  44. What is your favorite thing to do with your time?  READ.
  45.  What book should everyone read?  I’ll give ya four: The Color Purple, by Alice Waters; Welcome To The Great Mysterious by Lorna Landvik (also read Patty Jane’s House of Curl, by her!); Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry; and A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving.
  46.  What movie should every one watch?  Some Like It Hot. Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis.
  47. What is your credo?  “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well”. -Mark Twain
angels · blood · Dexter · Elvis · poetry · reading · writing

Blood and Poetry

I went to college. Actually, I went to several colleges, and changed my major several times before I finally finished, but that’s totally not the point. The BA I finally ended up with is in English:Creative Writing:Poetry, with a minor in Theater. Yes, that’s a degree that will get you a job in any field!

I always enjoyed poetry, although I’m still not sure why I chose to major in it. I’m more of a reader than a writer, in spite of the many aspirations my mother has for me. I did put together a collection (a “thesis” if you will) for my final project, and gave many readings for classes. That part I was good at; I’d never had a problem being in front of others. But over the years I’ve written less and less, and I miss it. In an effort to get back in the groove, so to speak, I dug up as many of my old poems as I could find. Aren’t you lucky–I’m going to post some of them! (Be afraid, be very afraid!)

Before we get to today’s poem, can someone explain to me why, when I am feeling low, watching a show like Dexter, or reading a Jonathan Kellerman novel, full of blood and mayhem, monsters and murder, makes me feel so much better? It can’t just be me, or these things wouldn’t be as popular as they are, right? I’ve spent the last two days watching Dexter on Netflix, while doing all the other things I need to do. And yes, I suddenly feel so much more normal. Really, compared to most of the characters on this show, I’m a paragon of mental health. Good to know.

And now for the literary portion of today’s post! One of my favorites. Enjoy.

 

Wilhelmina

In a hypothetical world,

I am a bimbo goddess of poetry,

Enshrined in my coffeehouse castle,

my words the songs of a generation.

Attended by sugary seraphim upon my beachside throne,

my name resonates on the tongues of cappuccino demigods.

He, bespectacled, brilliant, falls at my feet,

quoting darkly my childlines.

As gilded graces join us in our dance,

we whirl through a city of stars into

our moonpalace home.

Fall through velvet loveclouds into beds of miracles.

Strongly carefree of wings or wheels,

tasting of copper and chocolate,

a literary, bad-­tempered love of scarlet phrases in my head.

He whispers, solemn:

“God has spoken, and he sounds like Elvis.”

Elvis-Angel-mural

blogging · Glee · heaven · Michele · Music · reading · Sherlock Holmes · teenage behavior · writing

Talk Nerdy To Me

Let’s talk about nerd-dom. My nerdiness. It’s my blog, nobody reads it but me, I’ll talk about what I want, and you can’t do a thing to stop me, nyah-nyah-nyah. I can write all about how I spend way too much time reading Drarry fanfiction, or watching Glee (or listening to music from Glee while reading Drarry stories–that’s the best!), and nobody would care! Ah, the joys of the internet.

tumblr_m4lozoOdM21rv6s6lo1_500But first, I must point out that I am not a geek, or a dork. A geek is smart enough to create and fix things like computers, etc., and I am not. A dork doesn’t really get anything. A nerd both understands and is into really cool stuff. That’s me.

Yes, I do enjoy Harry Potter fanfiction, and I do not care if you think that makes me a nerd, because I embraced my nerdiness way back in Junior High when I sang a Barry Manilow song in front of the entire school. Yes, I am THAT big a nerd. I am a Barry Manilow-loving, Doctor Who-watching, Firefly-missing, Sherlock-worshipping, fanfiction-reading, nerd. And I am damn proud of it. In some respects, I guess this makes me a hipster, because I was dorky long before it was cool, and I was happy being this way. I’ve never really wanted to be anything but who I am.

In high school, I had good friends, and while we weren’t the popular crowd, we got along with everyone, and we had a ton of fun. We were primarily choir and theater geeks, and most of us made good grades as well. At the time I thought we were all staying away from drugs and alcohol, although I know now that wasn’t true for all of us; either way, we had a lot of fun just being totally stupid, as teenagers tend to do. I never remember wanting to be any “cooler” than we were; I thought we were fabulous then, and I still do. Mostly. Except for the friend I’ve since discovered was stoned pretty much since eighth grade. That just pisses me off, although it does explain a bit about him.

In college, it was pretty much the same. Weird friends, just older. Different states, different things, and eventually, a bit of that alcohol. Either way, we were all some kind of misfit toy, and it worked.

Anyway. All these years later, even with Michele gone, I am still listening to Barry, still spending most of my Friday nights watching bad movies and occasionally eating pizza. Not the same movie anymore, thank god. And nobody will let me get Hawaiian pizza anymore, which is okay, since I’ve had my fill.

I’m still a nerd. If I had friends nearby, I’m sure we’d be sitting around a coffee shop somewhere, laughing until one of us spit coffee out our nose. Heaven for me will involve lots of time in cozy cafes with Michele, Elissa, Louis, Doug, Andy, Demere, Marina, Christopher, Lori & Don, Marty, Eric, Kathy, Karen, Leslie, Kenny, Wes, Teri, Monica, Fay, and so many more. Lots of time just being nerdy with the friends I love.

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