books · character development · children · not literature · pain · reading

Fifty Shades of Me

 

Yes, I read it. I read Fifty Shades of Grey. And I am not ashamed to say I enjoyed it. Hell, It was a much better book than Twilight! Not only better written (although  not great literature, but a much better read), but a better story. I cannot speak the rumor that the main characters in Grey are supposed to be responses to Bella and Edward, other than to say I saw no resemblance at all. Twilight’s characters are banal and insipid teens, both dead and undead; Grey‘s are mostly adults, intelligent and interesting. At least that is my opinion. Maybe it is housewife porn; who cares? I don’t like labels. All I know is I read this trilogy, and enjoyed it; the love story is true, suspenseful and draws you in from the very beginning. The sex is hot, almost to the end.

Among the BDSM community, E.L. James’ novel is under attack for many reasons, among them, bringing too many wannabe’s into the scene. For supposedly letting folks believe this is how it works: a girl will meet a Dominant man and suddenly all those princess in a castle fantasies will come true. For supposedly showing unsafe BDSM practices. Mostly, the folks I have talked to are just annoyed at being “outed,” it seems. Which strikes me as odd.

In an era when hate runs rampant, acceptance is a good thing. I have some fears about saying that I am part of the BDSM scene, because yes, people are judgmental  and can be mean. But I am mean, too, and if you don’t like my lifestyle choices, shut up or go away. I don’t judge you (unless you are hurting children–that’s my one hard limit. Then you are getting judged, jerk.),  so don’t judge me, please.

Anyway, my life is not simple, and I am not stupid enough to believe it is a fairy tale either. If it is, Grimm wrote it, not Disney.

 

I was browsing writings on FetLife.com, and stumbled on GoddessAsphyxia’s post about this quiz on QuizFarm.com. It was intriguing. They say I am more experimental than Dominant, and I can see the point there…I do have some Switch in me, but it will only be expressed with the right person. He hasn’t shown up yet.
http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poeticthinker/do-yo…

You Scored as Experimental

Experimental
96%
Dominant
93%
Sadist
86%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
79%
Switch
57%
Bondage
54%
Masochist
50%
Degradation
39%
Submissive
29%
Vanilla
21%

 

BFF · breast cancer · cancer · Michele · reading · Shel · tears · writing

A Howling

I’m writing this post on an airplane to Grand Junction, where tomorrow we’re having a memorial service for Michele. Whenever mother called to tell me of the service, and ask if I would like to say something, there was never any doubt in my mind. Yes.
That was just over a week ago, and I am still unsure what I’ll be saying tomorrow.

Since Michele died in April, there has been a gaping hole in my life. A small tear that opened when she first told me she was sick, and grew larger with each progression of theater, until that day when she was gone. Leaving this rent in the fabric of my world. Our world, for there are many of us grieving her.
I’ve tried to read books by others who have lost loved ones, but never repast the first few chapters. Then I either begin crying so hard I can no longer see the page, or I become annoyed at the self-righteous tone taken by some, and my anger overflows. Either way , I end up crying.
While reading ‘Wild’  by Cheryl Strayed, a memoir about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail after her mother dies of cancer, I stumbled on a passage that summed up exactly how I have felt in the last year.
“I almost howled in agony. I almost choked to death on what I knew…. I was going to live the rest of my life without my mother.”
Strayed says she felt this way from the moment her mother received her diagnosis; her cancer was so advanced there was no hope. Yet for me, these words say exactly how I have felt since I received that phone call, saying Shel was gone.
Inside my mind, my soul, there is a constant howling, a never ending scream of pain and sadness, loss and grief. The person I loved most in the world is gone, and I am alone. For the rest of my life.
We will never race wheelchairs through the rest home, and annoy the nurses. We’ll never make it to see Barry Manilow sing in Vegas, or do our Copa dance wearing the feathered hats we made. I’ll have to sit through the next class reunion alone. And without her, I have nobody to call and tell my life to.
Every day I miss her. That will never end. I believe the noise of grief inside me will quiet down; I’m hoping tomorrow’s memorial will help with that.
Until we are together again, I will grieve. I miss you, Michele.

blogging · cleaning · Craig Ferguson · insomnia · medication · pain · reading · RLS · seizures · sleep · twitchy feet · yoga

Insomnia


I really should be in bed. Instead I’m sitting in the living room, watching ‘The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson’ and writing. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. So, I apologize if I begin to ramble. Sleep deprivation will do that to you!

Insomnia isn’t a new thing for me–it started way back at the dawn of time, when I was in high school. Always the same pattern. I fall asleep easily enough, and sleep well for a few hours. Then, usually about 2:30 a.m., I wake up, needing to pee, and after that, I’m awake for hours.
Sometimes I’ll be able to fall back asleep for an hour or two, but my twitchy feet usually watch me back up.
Oh, yeah, did I mention I have RLS? Restless Leg Syndrome. It’s a pain is the ass (or rather, legs) neurological condition that causes a tickling feeling in the legs or in my case, the bottoms of my feet. It makes my legs jerk so hard sometimes that I kick like a horse! Nobody is really sure what causes it, but we do know that many things make it worse; among these are the anti-seizure medication that I’m on. Yep. Finally found a med which will control my seizures (whoohoo!), and it makes my feet go crazy, causing an increase in insomnia. Wouldn’t you know, lack of sleep is a BIG trigger for me & seizures…
Anyway.
I’ve tried all sorts of insomnia remedies: medication, bedtime yoga, Sleepytime tea, self-hypnosis, melatonin & Valerian, and a white noise machine. Not many have been successful for long. I’ve heard all the advice, and have tried most of it, to little avail. I simply don’t sleep.
I’ve also tried many many remedies for RLS, most of them home remedies found online. So far none have worked for long. I’ve taken magnesium citrate before bed; I’ve rubbed my legs & lower back down with apple cider vinegar; I’ve done a series of strange exercises in the dark. The thing that worked the best was eliminating caffeine & sugar from my diet, which I did to get rid of migraines. Discovered it helped the feet. Of course, now I’m back on the coffee wagon, (or did I fall off the wagon?), so I may have to fix that… I do know there are a couple of medications available for RLS, but so far, I haven’t tried them. Didn’t want to add one more med to my already large collection. If things don’t improve, I may change my mind.
There was a time when I’d get out of bed and clean my apartment in the middle of the night, but those days are gone. (We have neighbors here who are very sensitive to noise, and even running water after ten seems to annoy them, so no more scrubbing the bathroom or rearranging kitchen cabinets!) Some nights I turn on my bedside lamp, pick up my book and read; other night I get online and discover strange new blogs. Most nights I simply lie in the dark, listening to the fake ocean sounds from the white noise machine, trying to count backward from one hundred, as I take deep, even breaths, and hope I’ll relax enough to to fall asleep again.
Tonight I’m going to finish watching Craig Ferguson, then stay up as late as I can, in hopes that I can reset my inner alarm clock a little, or at least throw it off balance. And then, with any luck, I’ll get some sleep, dammit!