accident · falling

I Got Mad Skills, Ya’ll


I’m very skillful. I’m the only person I know who, when standing still,  can fall over, just have an ankle bend and SMACK!! I’m on the floor. It happened twice in the last four days. Ended up with a swollen ankle and a big bruise on my bum where I landed.
What’s really strange is that I’ve never once fallen when doing things that are actualy dangerous. In these same four days I’ve climbed on three different step ladders, a couple of counters, one tall dresser, and stood on the bed to hang posters, without injuring myself once (unless you count dropping a string of fairy lights on my head). Maybe I should spend more of my life on ladders. Because I can injure myself doing normal things, ya know. Yesterday I was unplugging my space heater from the extension cord, when it gave off a bunch of sparks, and scorched my hand. The area around my right ring finger & pinkie were black, and had a tiny blister; the black stuff washed off, and the blister is gone today, but man did that hurt! (I got rid of the extension cord–it was old, and apparently dangerous!).
Yes, I’m incredibly talented.

accident · bed · falling · Golden Retriever · Kaylee · leash · pain · pulled · shoulder · sleep · sofa · Steven · yank

The Dog is Trying to Kill Me

I’m typing slowly today (not that I was such a whiz before) because my entire right arm is in pain after our dog tried to kill me last week. (I should point out here that I am right-handed, and if I’d had the leash in my left-hand, this wouldn’t be a problem.)

Kaylee is a 14-month-old Golden Retriever, very affectionate, enthusiastic, and way too full of energy. Last Thursday we were going to run some errands. I was walking Kaylee through the parking lot to the car when she spotted her favorite person in the world, Mike. Immediately, she dashed in his direction, yanking me along with her. What followed would have been a big hit on YouTube, had anyone been filming. I flew off my feet, into the air, and hit the wet, dirty pavement, face down, bruising my knees, & skinning my palms as I landed. The leash was jerked from my hand, and my right shoulder was felt as if it had been pulled out of the socket!
I hadn’t realized there were that many people outside, but instantly there were at least 7 neighbors around me, as well as Steven & Mike, all asking if I was okay, and exclaiming over what had happened. “Did you see how she flew? I’ve never seen a dog do that to a grown-up before!” I heard someone say.
As I cradled my arm against my chest, and headed back inside to change my now wet & dirty clothes, I reminded Mike “Do NOT give that dog any treats!!” Because this, of course, is why she loves him more that anyone else. Mike is the maintenance guy for our apartment complex, and in his storage room, keeps bags of expensive treats for all the dogs that he hands out like candy!
All the dogs adore him.
Later that evening Steven took me to the ER, where they told me I had an Acute Shoulder Strain, gave me some exercises & pain meds. Since then, I can’t lift more than I medium-sized book, and even that is sometimes painful. It’s hard to write; I can’t lift my hand above my head. Ouch.
If that was all, I wouldn’t wonder about the dog, but I’m starting to wonder. A month ago, she pulled so hard on the leash I fell down the stairs, and then a week later, she jumped on me when I was on a stepladder, knocking me off. If I see a shadow on the shower curtain, and hear the theme song from “Psycho,” I’m gonna know it’s her! I think she’s out to get me just because I won’t let her sleep on the bed. With me out of the way, she’ll have Steven all to herself, and can sleep anywhere she wants–sofa, bed, kitchen sink! Nobody will complain “That dog needs a bath!” or that she has toys all over the place.
So if I suddenly end up dead in an odd dog-related accident, you will all know it was no accident! Make sure the dog is prosecuted to the full extent of the law–and do NOT let her sleep on my bed!!