Sleepy, Grumpy and….Hatey?

The last few weeks I’ve barely left the house, except at night, when I couldn’t sleep, and I’d get up, and wander around outside for a bit. The dog is still mad a t me for not taking her along on my little jaunts, but  the last thing I needed was to have her knock me down again. I can see it now: me, sprawled across the darkened parking lot, in my jammies & hoodie, my keys lost over there, the dog run away, and no way to call Steven for help. How would the police figure out what happened to me when they found my lifeless body the next next morning (because surely I’d be run over by a car!). “Well, she has a leash in her hand, but there’s no dog. It’s another of those invisible dog murders, Captain!” I went out by myself, because it’s peaceful alone at night, and since I wasn’t sleeping anyway, I figured a little exercise wouldn’t hurt me. I discovered that somebody in the trailer park across the street plays the clarinet late at night. The strains of Moon River floating through the night seemed especially appropriate. 

No, I haven’t been sleeping much, and that’s made me rather grumpy. But I have been reading a lot, and that makes me happy. I’m three out of six dwarfs. 
Of course, not sleeping has also caused some of my health issues to flare up: massive body aches, some in spots that have never hurt before, a constant headache, sore joints, and some other weird stuff. What it all boils down to is this: I feel like crap most of the time. 

Don’t misunderstand: I love my life, but I hate a lot of things these days.

I hate that the only things I’ve really wanted to eat for the last two weeks have been sugary. That, coupled with my slug-like motion, means I’ve gained some weight. This, I hate in the extreme! 

I hate that all my friends are online, not in real life. Add to that, I hate that I know so much about Netflix. 

I hate popping pills. Since I was 16, I’ve been taking daily medication of some kind, and it seems as if each week now I get one more pill to take. I can barely keep them all straight, and trying to remember each day if I’ve taken them is sometimes more than I can do. 

I really hate living up to other people’s expectations of what being sick is. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean I’m not. 

I hate never feeling good enough, quick enough, or just “enough”. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I was enough. When five days a week I got out of bed at 6 in the morning, showered & dressed & took the bus clear across town. Then I spent the day caring for & teaching & playing with an amazing group of preschoolers, and loved every minute of it. I’d take the bus home each night, and spend the evening making lesson plans, talking with my family, reading, doing church activities, or dating! Then I’d do it all again the next day. That was my life. And I miss that life on these days when just putting on real clothes takes so much effort that I want to cry! When the cat walking across my leg leaves behind a bruise that lasts for 2 weeks and causes so much pain I have to take a pill. When I fall down walking the dog, and realize I’ll never be able to lead a classroom again. 

I’m crying just writing this, and that’s another thing I hate. Crying about myself. Poor little me. Jeez. Don’t cry for me, anybody. (Just send presents! Ha!) There was a time I’d have loved a great big pity party, but not anymore. Not when I see that my big sister has handled much worse than me with style & courage, and looks good while she’s doing it. Becky rocks!  Not while my best friend is facing down cancer, and I want to be there to hold her hand & make her laugh & do the Copa dance, and can’t be, Yet. Michele rocks! 
Not when I read about all the other people going through the same kind of things I am, who are dealing in a much better manner. They all rock. Here is a link to ButYouDontLookSick.com  where you can read about The Spoon Theory
These are my excuses for not posting, and why I’ll be posting more! I’ll be taking Michelle’s advice to “Suck it up, Buttercup!” 

3 thoughts on “Sleepy, Grumpy and….Hatey?

  1. Aww. Though my situation isn't quite the same, I too look back on my old life with longing all the time. It's hard, remembering what you had…but you have a lot now, too. I try to keep things in perspective myself.


  2. I may only have a bit of a tunnel vision in on your life (as in, what you choose to show online), but I think you are handling just fine. I think you are fabulous, and funny. I am sorry that I am an online friend, and not there in RL, but I still like you lots. ;-)And crying, even for yourself, can be a good thing, if you need to cry, just let yourself cry sometimes. And remember, this isn't a competition, no one handles things the same way, so don't expect that you will handle things the same way someone else would in a similar, or worse, situation.I am sending you positive energy as we speak.


  3. It's hard for me to hear you talking like this because I don't see you this way. I still see you as strong, feisty, hilarious, smart as hell, and fun to be around. Yeah, it's hard to tell just online, but from what you post and stuff, I think you are still this way. You are still you. And I know when you feel bad physically (an emotionally) it's tempting to tell yourself, this is the way my life is going to be like from now on. I'm always going to have some pain, I'm never going to have energy, I'm never going to lead a classroom again. But you will have good days and not-so-good days in your future. Don't let the fear of the bad days eat up all the joy of the good days. Don't let that panic overtake you. You still can, will, and deserve to have a great life!I love you Jonna!


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